Responding to Matt’s posts about the unpredictability of death and the necessity to make the most of life, painter Ani Rose recommends the book Midwifing Death by Leslene Della Madre, and suggests that Matt, in his first career as a funeral director, must have comforted many people through the grieving process.
Matt responds:
Ani, one thing I found in my first life is that most people find solace in believing in some sort of afterlife. In many cases, it’s the only thing that can make any sense of it, when day after day you see lives cut down at the very beginning: people who were destined to go great places, and all of a sudden they’re plucked from our midst.
As human beings, we need hope. That’s the most important process, as far as I’m concerned, with healing. I hope that I can live my life knowing that the person I love most is not walking on this earth anymore. With hope, after awhile, you finally come to know that it is possible, and after that you come to acceptance.
A very close friend of mine lost his wife very suddenly. He was despondent to the point where it was becoming extreme. After a number of years, he met a soulmate, who had lost her husband years before. It is very special to see how they both remember and talk about their former spouses. They both have found a new life, a life they never imagined they could find. So I have always counseled people that this, too, will pass.
But each person grieves in their own way and their own time. For anybody to try to alter that, I think, is presumption. The way I am going to react to my grief could be completely different from how you might react to yours. We can only point to different possibilities and help the people accept the loss and be there and let them talk. When my father died, I had a difficult time accepting that. I talked to a psychologist friend of mine, and he said, “You have to talk about him to your friends because you have to get it out of your system.” I did, and over time, it worked.
There are different remedies, but the remedies are different for each person. Asking for help is important, whether it be from a friend, a member of the clergy, or another person you really and truly trust.
After a loved one dies, things will never be the same, but in this world, nothing is ever the same. How we get through it is really part of our journey, and we can absolutely get through it. My message is always: How do we turn victims into victors? How can we be victorious over death? The only way we can do that is by living happily and helping and becoming victors. It’s not an easy road or a well-marked highway. It’s a hidden path we can all find through conversation, medication, prayer, listening, and observing.
Matt